Tom & Joe: the best horse back riding

Tom & Joe round two! This one’s been sitting there for a while and since I’m finding things to procrastinate on, I thought I might as well wrap it up and post it.

Baby: Eeee! Ehh! Eddie-puss!

Joe: Oedipus Toby, it’s \ˈed-i-pəs\, the tragic hero of Sophocles! Not Eddie Puss the cat next door!

Baby: Ed-ee-puss? Eddie Pshht!

Joe: [O]e-di-pus!

Baby: Eddie Puss!

Joe: No, Toby! You are saying it wrong again!

Baby: *#$#(! Pisssssst!

Baby grabs rubber grenade on the floor and throws it at the door. Tom enters juggling a bottle of milk, a plushie, a sing-along CD, three balls, and a towel. The grenade hits Tom on the nose, bounces twice on the floor and lands at Joe’s foot.

Baby: … Dada! Dada!

Baby claps hands together, wiggling and laughing.

Tom: Turns to Joe. What did you do?

Joe: Nothing. Honest!

Tom: Toby, time for lunch! I brought you milky milk! Your faaaaavorite! *shakes bottle*

Baby: GAH! Pushes bottle away.

Tom grabs plushie and waves it in front of baby.

Tom: Look! What is this? Yesss, it’s Barrrrrrney the purple dinosaur! *shake shake* C’on Toby baby, drink the milk and you get to play with Barney!

Baby: No! *turns head away*

Tom: Toby! Be good! Milk! Drink? *forces bottle in baby’s hand* There!

Baby:

Baby throws bottle away with both hands. Bottle makes an awkward bounce on the floor and spills. Tom reflexively reaches over to salvage what’s left of the milk, misses and falls face flat on the carpet.

Tom: Yuck. Wipes face and shakes a finger at the baby. Bad Toby! BAD! Daddy no likey. Toby bad boy!

Baby purses lips and starts to wail. No tears of course.

[In the kitchen, Tom’s wife calls]: Honey, is everything ok?

Tom: Yells back while frantically trying to cover the baby’s mouth. Yeah, I’ve got everything under control! Turns to Joe. What are you waiting for? Come and help me!

Joe: Huh? Oh ok.

Tom: …

Joe: You didn’t tell me what you want me to do.

Tom: *slaps hand on forehead* Just, wipe the damn carpet.

Tom pops the sing-along CD into the CD player and grabs the three balls.

[Music playing: ♫ I love you, you love me, we are a happy family… ♫] Joe starts to juggle the balls in front of the baby.

Joe: Look what daddy’s doing! *makes faces*

Baby cries louder.

Joe: Shh! Ahh! Shhh!

[In the hallway, Joe’s wife calls again]: Honey! I thought I heard the baby cry, are you sure everything’s ok?

Joe: YES HONEY, WE’RE JUST PLAYING! Just playing…

[Wife again, skeptical]: Are you sure you can handle it? I’ll come in when I’m done decorating the living room.

Joe: No, no, no-no-no! I got it.

Fifteen minutes later, when the wife opens the door to the nursery…

Joe is on all fours with the baby riding on his back, laughing, clapping, directing, and whipping the “horse”‘s arse with his tiny baby-fist. And Tom? Dear old Tom is on his knees too, picking up after the fearless little cowboy and his “stallion”.

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