kung fu… PANDA!


Audaciousness plus some awesomeness and a little attractiveness, decorated with a pinch of alliteration yields the formula for pure Po-ness. At least, in Po’s dream.

Once out of dreamland, he is no other than an ordinary son to a goose, a noodle server of his father’s delicious noodle restaurant (yumm), and an overweight albeit cute(x10) Panda who only dreams of kung fu.

Life is life, Po gets out of bed and starts his day with the ritual of a self-satisfactory imitation of the introduction of THE Furious Five: monkey, crane, mantis, viper, tigeress, ROAR, and stumbles downstairs to the restaurant Po’s left handed father inherited from his father, who took it from his father, who took it from his father’s friend in a game of Mahjong. Yup.

While Po is maneuvering his big, round, (& cute!) body between the customers serving noodle, something is happening at the Jade Palace. The legendary Kung Fu Master WuGui (tortoise) has a premonition – the evil snow leopard warrior TaiLang is going to break out of prison and bring danger to the village. Only the dragon warrior, who will be entrusted with the dragon scroll, will acquire the ability to defeat TaiLang with the secret of limitless power that the dragon scroll holds. (Oh the run on) Who will be the dragon warrior? That is up to WuGui to appoint and ShiFu to train.

The message that Master WuGui is going to pick out the dragon warrior spreads as fast as the wind. Soon, the palace arena is filled with eager citizens awaiting for The One. (Go Neo! I mean go Po!)

The tournament commences. Po is still climbing the stairs to go up the mountain. The door closes, and Po is locked out.

The Furious Five works hard to display their skills, hoping Master WuGui will choose the Dragon Warrior among them. Meanwhile Po works just as hard to get through the brickwall to see the tournament. From tree climbing to pole vaulting, none worked because none can support his weight. (no, no, it’s just physics, not a fat joke.) Finally Po gets an idea and assembles a rocket via fireworks and a chair. Thinking this is it, Po reveals his inner passion for Kung Fu (instead of noddles!?!) to his father who has just arrived. The chair didn’t launch as Po had expected.

Inside the palace, Master WuGui raises a digit, “I sense the dragon warrior among us.” The crowd fell silent.

Po’s father spreads out the apron for his son to get back to noddle selling. Po stands up to accept it when the chair suddenly lights up, slashing Po against the wall and up he goes. Higher and higher into the sky, the fireworks explodes in the sky to mark this important moment.

Master WuGui’s digit starts to fall slowly. Then, *swoosh*, pulling by gravity, Po starts to drop. Falling, accelerating, speeding, annnnnd *BOOM* the roasted panda hits the ground face first. Recovering from the DIY Supreme Scream ride, Po opens his eyes to see Master WuGui’s digit in his face. The flabby panda that fell from the sky is now the Dragon Warrior. *crowd cheers*

Po is then carried to the insides of the palace. He takes a quick tour and displays his in depth knowledge of the Kung Fu world. A true fan.

Master ShiFu doesn’t like the idea of a panda being the Dragon Warrior too much. Nor do the Furious Five. To start Po off in an unwelcoming atmosphere, Master ShiFu gives Po the WuXi Finger Hold, developed by Master WuXi in the third dynasty. The finger hold captures 100% of the Panda’s attention immediately. Master ShiFu forewarns Po of the training awaits him.

Po steps into the training room for the first time, he hits a sandbag after much stalling, the force of the sandbag swinging back into position hits Po and bounces him off into the various training equipments of the Furious Five. Ouuuuch. Let’s just say awe and embarrassment are the only emotions Po feels when he crawls out of the training room. Well, maybe pain too.

Night at the lodges, Po isn’t welcomed by any of the Furious Five. Upset and discouraged, the panda hides away under a peach tree and starts to stress eat. Master WuGui discovers him with a mouth full of peaches and still pushing more into his mouth. The Master drops Po with a few words of wisdom and a peach before floating away.

The next day, Po is found to be practicing on his own. Master ShiFu orders a one-on-one for Po to fight against the Furious Five and eventually ShiFu himself. Needless to say, the result is disastrous. But, Po does end up becoming friends with the Furious Four, with the exception of tigress, who are too proud to befriend with the “accident” that took away her chance of becoming the dragon warrior.

Unfortunately, “one often meets his destine on the road he takes to avoid it”. TaiLang does escape and is heading to the palace at top speed to meet the Dragon Warrior. Master WuGui disintegrates into the night air as his time as up. Before he passes away, he enlightens Master ShiFu to believe and train panda to become the real dragon warrior.

Master ShiFu has finally sets his mind to teach Po Kung Fu. Po resists, Master ShiFu uses food as bait to lure Po into climbing 10 feet off the ground. Po does a little Kung Fu to get to the cookies, in the midst of all the busy chewing and stuffing, Po turns around, “Don’t tell monkey.” (My favorite scene in the movie :D) So then the training starts.

Everyday Master ShiFu trains Po with food, hence the wonderful chopstick fight for a bun, or dumpling as they call it in the movie, is born. (Enjoy the fat jokes here and there.)

While Po is busy with his training with Master ShiFu, the Furious Five are busy taking on TaiLang by themselves. They are no match to the fearsome TaiLang, whose agility and strength surpass them ten folds and more. The Furious Five were thrown back into the Jade Palace, all immobilized from the “nerve attack” as a show of strength.

To exacerbate the situation more, Master ShiFu and the others expectantly summoning the dragon scroll from the ceiling, thinking it’s time for the revelation of limitless power critical to defeat TaiLang. But the scroll is empty. Baffled by the fact there is no secret in the secret scroll that the Kung Fu masters hold so dear, Master ShiFu decides to face TaiLang alone while informing the villagers to evacuate.

TaiLang finally arrives to claim his dragon scroll. He fights with Master ShiFu, his mentor and adopted father. Po returns in time to save the day, well, after a little enlightening by his goose father that the secret of no secret just means to believe in yourself. [insert eye rolling here]

After an intense fight with TaiLang that entails a mass destruction. (but they don’t care, so long as they look heroic) Po gloriously finishes TaiLang off with the “Wuxi Finger Hold”. Just a flick of the pinky and *boom* TaiLang is gone. (Why didn’t he do that earlier?) With TaiLang’s defeat, the Furious Five bow to the Dragon Warrior, overturning their previous contempt for this flabby, big bellied, cute panda.

I finally found time to write this. Hope it’s a fun read, it being not fresh in mind and all. But..uh… the metaphysics aspect of the movie does drive me a little nuts. I mean, we get it, can Dreamworks put it any cornier?

3 thoughts on “kung fu… PANDA!”

  1. Aha. I’m planning to do a parody of the Forbidden Kingdom. 😀 Now that you’ve taken this off my hands (*takes off hat and bows*) I can flounce ahead and do it.

    The thing that pushed this from cute to corny was the names. I mean, WuGui? Shifu? That’s not even original lifting. Oh well.

  2. I heard a while ago, probubly in November sorta thing, I heard they are making a Kung Fu Panda 2! and a TV series!!! I will be 14 when the Sequel comes out, which is in 2011. and the TV series is in 2010, and I will be 13 xD

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